Marrying George Clooney

need i say more?

okay so here’s the scenario: it’s 3 am, i’m up, ken is fast asleep – snoring, happy, content — ambien-ed out. i get out of bed, and go to my computer and i start googling … first websites, like ReVive to see if i can get moisturizer just a bit cheaper than i pay @ bergdorf’s … no such luck. 150 a pop. uh, no thank you. then i start to check out sales and such (barney’s, banana republic, saks….) and then …. e-bay, and shoe sales, and religious artifacts, and spiritual destinations, like the four seasons yoga retreat, and canyon ranch 5 day get-a-ways for 4,000 dollars before taxes… and the i get fed up. breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, ahhhhh, breathe out.

and then i type in “old boyfriends.” guys i haven’t seen or thought of in years. and whoa…. OH MY GOD….some are now very  famous, some are completely destitute, some are gay, some have married and have three/four kids, and some… uh oh…. are dead.

i can handle the famous, the destitute and the gay. it’s the dead ex-boyfriends that make me think about long ago … the smoking of marijuana & hash, the taking of quaaludes, seconal, percodan and dropping of acid, the allman brothers, commander cody and the lost planet airmen, the grateful dead, the jefferson airplane, laura nyro… LOSING MY VIRGINITY — sex in cars, in alleyways, in supermarkets (yep… waldbaums), and  in bowling alleys — but never, ever in the city.

and to think… i coulda been a (bowling) trophy wife.

mark sanford said that god will make him better. he said that. in an op-ed piece. he also said that he felt like he had been to his own funeral, and is now humbled.

hmmm.

i’d like to know who attended his “imaginary” funeral. i would wager his wife was there, along with a couple of his girlfriends. maybe they didn’t sit together, i’m thinking different pews. but that’s just me. i also wonder who spoke at his funeral. what did everyone say? who gave the eulogy? maybe someone said: “… and here lies a man who fucked us all.” i wonder if there were any floral arrangements? did they come FTD, or were they delivered personally, like in bouquets. i wonder if any e-mails were read out-loud? any of his favorite quotes? from say, rumi. maybe the guy who explained sanford’s sexual blips as a mid-life crisis was there, and elaborated. i wonder if there was a viewing of the body? perhaps he was cremated. i wonder if folks turned off their cell phones and stopped texting. or were they simply put on vibrate?

and… i wonder, really wonder, what the fuck was said at his imaginary funeral that humbled him so much? to the point where he declared, wearing both a two piece suit and a massive dose of hypocrisy that god will make him better.

you know what mark … you’re gonna have to do that all on your own. make yourself better. and whichever & whatever god you’re talking about – because for many of us god represents something or someone different  - is way too fucking busy to enable you. my advice, stop using that as an excuse for the shit you have complete control over.