Marrying George Clooney

he is sleeping soundly. until i say, oh shit, then he rumbles and removes his eye mask and squints at me and asks: whatcha doing? i tell him i’m writing a blog. he says, a blog? i say yeah. since when he asks? since when i say with a hint of attitude… since this is what i’ve been doing since my book is coming out really really soon and since it’s all about my being wide awake and writing @ 3am, and then he says something obnoxious, which quite honestly, i don’t remember because, well… he started off with a comment and turned it into a weird bizarro rap song, which then became a big downer real quickly. just imagine all the words that rhyme with blog … fog, log, hog, snog, gutterbog, clog, mog, fartfog, asshog, fuckyourog…  ah, you get it.

and then then then he says: you know what i’d like to do -i’d like to spend as much time on your lap as your frickin’ computer. fat chance (i think to myself) oh honey that’s so sweet, i say. and then i say: did you just say you wanna spend as much time on my lap as my frickin’ computer? and he says, yeah.

a moment or two of radio silence.

how about tomorrow, i ask?

tomorrow’s good, he says.

my iKen.

this is a true story, told from the ‘person’ point of view.

as i watch my 2 little sweet cats all curled up around each other.

we adopted them (a year ago this week…). we — okay, i – had no idea they were both girls. i was told by the somewhat odd & strange manager at the humane society that lotus (who was then named guy) was a boy. okay. a boy & girl. fine. but a few weeks later when we – okay, i – brought them in for their shots and such, i was informed that both were girls. yay. i re-sent the birth/adoption announcement stating: oooops. not a boy and girl, TWO GIRLS – as you can imagine, we are thrilled beyond belief. so, i set the record straight.

they play, they laugh, they fight, they hiss, they snap at each other, they run, and run some more, and knock things over and they race through both our house, and when in the city, our apartment, and break a few very lovely items that we have had for many many years. i bite my tongue and say nothing. i take a valium…

and then one day, i return from doing mindless errands, and i find them…in the bed… having sex.

OH MY GOD. they’re lesbians. i quickly pick up the cell phone and call ken who is working, and he whispers into the phone as to not attract attention: yeah, what’s up? he asks. I say, bella & lotus are lesbians, they’re having sex in the bedroom, what should i do?

without missing a beat:

get out the room, and close the door. you know how much you hate when they’re watching us…

yes, but we’re only sleeping, i say.

oh, yeah, he says, see that, i have no memory.

yes, i say, but you have such hope.