Marrying George Clooney

there are days that i lie in bed and wonder out-loud if there is a surgeon anywhere on this good great planet that can arthroscopically remove the fear, doubt, shame, guilt, uncompromising lack of self-confidence that seems to have found great comfort right smack in the center of my solar-plexis area. all they – the surgeon – would have to do is make a small teeny incision, and pull out all of the crap that seems to lodge itself right there. right in that solar plexis area, where it lives and thrives and loves being fed and nurtured. i can feel it. i can. and it’s not something that creeps up on me. it announces itself big and loud, like a loud loud neighbor who wants attention. you just wanna say, could you please go visit someone else.
it’s not easy getting rid of all these old old old fears and doubts and misguided beliefs, and “lack of…” feelings. it’s hard, it takes work, and energy. and we think if we cover it up, or mask it, or coat it, then we’ve taken care of it. but then… it comes back. we’re not getting to the root.
yesterday i wanted to crawl into a ball, and stay there, and feel sorry for myself, and be sad, and worried… and for the first time in a long time, i didn’t try and get rid of the pain and sadness and worry … i let it go through me like a bad flu.
but i have great hope that someday in the not so far future that one won’t need to search endlessly for themselves, or take oodles of medication, or do ridiculous yoga poses, or go on retreats, or cuddle up next to a loved one, or chant or pray or stand on mountaintops, or take long tedious walks, or get some fresh air, or drink lots of water, or eat good food, or read pema chodron over and over and over, or do reiki or get massages, and mani-pedi’s. you know, all of those things that empower us…that make us feel better, that get the juices flowing, the heart rate pumping, the life blood churning… all those things that invigorate.
i am hopeful that one day i will be able to walk into my GP’s office and say, “Ward, it’s right here, right by the throat, could ya just pull it out.”
and that it’ll be it.
so today i’ll do yoga and chant and eat well and take zoloft and hug my guy, and call some great friends, and take a walk…

and for the record, i am not a huge proponent of fresh air, i think it’s so fucking overrated, but i am a huge fan of clean sheets.